I Was Convinced I Was a Homosexual Woman - The Legendary Artist Made Me Discover the Reality

Back in 2011, a couple of years prior to the celebrated David Bowie exhibition opened at the famous Victoria and Albert Museum in England, I declared myself a lesbian. Until that moment, I had solely pursued relationships with men, one of whom I had wed. By 2013, I found myself nearing forty-five, a recently separated mother of four, living in the US.

At that time, I had begun to doubt both my personal gender and attraction preferences, searching for understanding.

Born in England during the early 1970s - pre-world wide web. When we were young, my peers and I didn't have social platforms or digital content to turn to when we had questions about sex; rather, we sought guidance from music icons, and throughout the eighties, artists were experimenting with gender norms.

Annie Lennox sported male clothing, Boy George adopted women's fashion, and pop groups such as well-known groups featured performers who were openly gay.

I desired his narrow hips and sharp haircut, his defined jawline and masculine torso. I sought to become the Bowie's Berlin period

Throughout the 90s, I spent my time operating a motorcycle and wearing androgynous clothing, but I reverted back to femininity when I decided to wed. My husband relocated us to the US in 2007, but when the marriage ended I felt an undeniable attraction revisiting the manhood I had earlier relinquished.

Considering that no artist played with gender quite like David Bowie, I chose to devote an open day during a seasonal visit visiting Britain at the V&A, with the expectation that perhaps he could help me figure it out.

I didn't know exactly what I was seeking when I walked into the exhibition - perhaps I hoped that by losing myself in the extravagance of Bowie's identity exploration, I might, in turn, stumble across a insight into my own identity.

Before long I was positioned before a modest display where the music video for "that track" was continuously looping. Bowie was performing confidently in the primary position, looking polished in a slate-colored ensemble, while off to one side three accompanying performers wearing women's clothing gathered around a microphone.

Unlike the performers I had witnessed firsthand, these ladies failed to move around the stage with the self-assurance of natural performers; conversely they looked bored and annoyed. Positioned as supporting acts, they had gum in their mouths and showed impatience at the tedium of it all.

"Those words, boys always work it out," Bowie voiced happily, apparently oblivious to their diminished energy. I felt a momentary pang of connection for the accompanying performers, with their pronounced make-up, ill-fitting wigs and restrictive outfits.

They gave the impression of as uncomfortable as I did in women's clothes - irritated and impatient, as if they were yearning for it all to end. At the moment when I recognized my alignment with three men dressed in drag, one of them ripped off her wig, wiped the makeup from her face, and unveiled herself as ... Bowie! Surprise. (Naturally, there were two other David Bowies as well.)

At that moment, I knew for certain that I aimed to rip it all off and transform like Bowie. I craved his slender frame and his defined hairstyle, his angular jaw and his flat chest; I wanted to embody the slender-shaped, Berlin-era Bowie. And yet I found myself incapable, because to genuinely embody Bowie, first I would require being a man.

Declaring myself as homosexual was a separate matter, but transitioning was a significantly scarier possibility.

I required further time before I was prepared. During that period, I tried my hardest to become more masculine: I abandoned beauty products and threw away all my women's clothing, shortened my locks and began donning masculine outfits.

I changed my seating posture, modified my gait, and changed my name and pronouns, but I halted before medical intervention - the chance of refusal and regret had left me paralysed with fear.

When the David Bowie show finished its world tour with a engagement in the American metropolis, following that period, I returned. I had experienced a turning point. I couldn't go on pretending to be something I was not.

Facing the identical footage in 2018, I knew for certain that the challenge wasn't about my clothing, it was my body. I wasn't a masculine woman; I was a male with feminine qualities who'd been wearing drag since birth. I wanted to transform myself into the person in the polished attire, performing under lights, and now I realized that I had the capacity to.

I scheduled an appointment to see a doctor shortly afterwards. The process required additional years before my transition was complete, but not a single concern I anticipated materialized.

I maintain many of my female characteristics, so individuals frequently misidentify me for a queer man, but I accept this. I wanted the freedom to play with gender as Bowie had - and since I'm at peace with myself, I can.